By Jess Noe // @therealjessnoe
Are you testing the waters while getting COVID tests to prepare yourself for reentering the dating scene? Are you worried that the long slog of quarantine has made you a filthy creature with low standards for yourself and newly-lowered self-esteem?
Fret not! Instead, buckle in for a humbling experience that won’t leave you feeling unworthy of love–in fact, you’ll be feeling quite the opposite. Here are five eligible bachelors for you to date who won’t leave you feeling like the worse one in the relationship:
Nate, the engineer:
Mechanical? Electrical? Chemical? Who cares! It doesn’t matter if you understand the nitty gritty of this guy’s career. No matter what he’s putting his big brain into, he will tirelessly try over explaining to you the thing he spent four years studying in what feels like eternity. Why does he think he’s smarter than you when he doesn’t wash his ass? (This does NOT apply if you yourself are an engineer, and are looking to date another engineer. In which case, congrats to your future wealth and asshole babies.)
Danny, the guy in a band:
Please at least make sure Danny’s ska-adjacent post-funk neo-soul music is at least tolerable to you. Regardless, you’ll find yourself politely showing up to gig after gig, playing the crucial but thankless supportive girlfriend role. Imagine yourself clutching one beer with two hands, yelling smalltalk over an unnecessary bass solo with his friends or, more than likely, his mom. Just ask yourself: is this better or worse than dating a soundcloud rapper?
Brandon with the great dick who never stops vaping:
You just know he’s out there. On the dating apps? Maybe, but you’d like to think you’ll stumble into it out in the real world, like they do in movies: that life-changing, once-in-a-lifetime dick. It’s fate, it’s serendipity, and it’s also a big loud cloud that smells like synthetic cotton candy. You are insatiably attracted to Brandon, but can he not hit the juul while he’s still inside you? He’s even got the vape in his mouth while his dick is in yours, like some kind of fuckboy human centipede. Yes, he’s going to ask if you came. Every single time.
Steve, and then all of his friends:
Nothing says “treat yourself!” to your ego like ruining an entire friend group! The key here is to aim for the low-hanging fruit, and this particular banana is Steve: inexperienced, desperate, and more than willing to throw his bros under the struggle bus. Hit it, quit it, confess that you have feelings for his friend, and repeat. They won’t know what hit them! (Yes they will. It was you.)