By Jess Noe // @therealjessnoe
It’s your twelve-year-old-self’s worst nightmare come to life.
No, not the “I forgot to study for the math test, and somehow I’m also naked in the cafeteria” nightmare. It’s worse.
Anonymous, vengeful hackers have compiled evidence extracted from decades of tween blogs, pre-smartphone calls and ancient instant messages into a singular, massive dossier.
The contents? Roughly every secret crush codename since 2005.
Young millennials are beside themselves.
“I can’t believe someone would do such a thing!” screeched Madeline Cooper, 26, between hysterical sobs. The leaked report revealed that Cooper and her friends in Springfield Middle School’s 2009 class affectionately referred to her crush, Matt O’Brien, as “Pumpkinhead” during their three years as classmates.
O’Brien, now a middle school teacher himself, is now considering suing Cooper for emotional damage.
“Once my students found out, it was all over,” he says. “It’s insulting enough remembering that my stupid ginger bowlcut was my defining feature during that terrible age, even if they meant it affectionately. Now I have to hear it from a new generation of kids who are threatening to make me go viral on TikTok!”
Any readers concerned that their once-forgotten codenames may have been leaked, or believe they may have been codenamed in the past, should check their social media channels for past crushes or crush-ees reaching out to sheepishly apologize, demand an apology themselves, or simply check in to see if you’re still as cute as they thought you were when you were both children.
And to any of this author’s former crushes, who may have been listed as Michelangelo, Krabby Patty, Trash, Steve Holt From Arrested Development, Niall, or Codename-Not-Withstanding (CNW for short)… hey 😉
HornRimmer 