Menorahs to Have Only Seven Candles Due to a Lack of Miracles This Year

To account for the lack of miracles that have occurred in 2020, leaders from every sect of Judaism across the world have agreed to reduce the number of candles on the menorah from eight to seven.

Cantor Rebecca Rosenblatt, from a reformed Temple in Brooklyn, said it was a miracle the world’s Jewish leaders could come together on this decision, much like the Maccabees came together to fight off King Antiochus’ army and keep the menorah lit for eight nights through the will of Hashem.

“However, since this year has been so tremendously devastating, it negates at least one of those miraculous nights,” Rosenblatt said. 

To meet this decree, Jewish figureheads recommend placing a shmata over the last candle for those who own electric menorahs. For those with traditional menorahs, leaders recommend replacing the last candle with “something that would remind you to call your mother; it’s been so long she might as well be dead.”

Rabbi Nissim Brak, from a Sephardic temple in Israel, said, “This year – what a shanda it’s been. Baruch Hashem we’ve been able to get together and kvetch, but, my God, is this the only thing we’ve all been able to agree upon in the past 10,000 years?”