Vegan CEO Believes We Shouldn’t Exploit Animals, Only Children From Underdeveloped Nations

Progress! Animal rights organizations have praised this vegan CEO’s bold plan to end her company’s exploitation of animals. Instead, she’ll focus solely on the exploitation of children in Nepal and Uganda. 

Stephanie Banner, CEO of Goodful Foods, announced her progressive plan yesterday afternoon. “Due to the looming threat of climate change and the immoral rape and massacre of animals, effective immediately, we will be swapping to vegan recipes for all of our packaged food products,” she said during a shareholders meeting. “To accomplish this, we will continue to occupy and deforest indigenous land in order to increase production of palm oil manufactured by dedicated and hard-working children.”

Economist Robert Haywoth called the move a major win for the American left.

“Just about every decision from a major corporation has an inequitable and corrupt impact on the world. But this decision almost manages a net zero impact! Neat!”