Study Confirms That You Really Are Uglier Than Everybody Else

A team of scientists and estheticians have recently concluded a years-long, exhaustive study confirming that you, yes you, really are uglier than everybody else.

Is it your smile? Your stature? According to the study, it is something else that’s completely out of your control, beyond the reach of superficial aesthetics: it’s the ugly.

“You may have suspected this inconvenient truth for some time now, beginning in your youth,” said Rachel Montgomery, a professor of health research at UCLA. 

The study examined your every faulty feature for years–from when you began puberty and lasting through that housewarming party you went to where you took a picture in that shirt that makes you look frumpy–attempting to uncover why and how a single person could possess so many contributing factors that result in such a stark, overwhelming ugliness.

“As a child or teen, you likely poked and prodded at your face and body constantly, reassuring yourself that you would grow out of this or that as an adult,” said Montgomery. 

But alas, years into adulthood, you still find yourself poring over group photos for hours on end, wondering why and how you could look so… different from everyone else.

“We’re still trying to understand what factors could have contributed such an unsightliness in an otherwise relatively ordinary person,” said Montgomery. 

The study, which is being independently validated by third-parties, ruled out genetics as a cause. When scanning group photos from large family gatherings, you still outperformed all of your relatives, even siblings and those close to your age, on the ugliness index every single time, an unprecedented feat.

Can this awful condition be helped by diet, exercise or surgery? Scientists say that while this rare strain of ugly can be treated, it is unfortunately incurable. Unbeknownst to you, and as a means of controlling the experiment’s variables, Montgomery’s team had secretly been behind all of the beauty and self-improvement articles you sought counsel from over the years, 

“We wanted to see if you would adopt these popular practices that typically improve a person’s physical ugliness: diet, exercise, general grooming tips,” said Montgomery. “You did, and, well, gross.”