Devastating! Woke Indie Kid Discovers All His Favorite Songs Are About Adult Men’s Fetishization of Children

Heartbreaking! 20-year-old Jason Thompson, a self-described “woke indie boy,” just realized all his favorite songs depict the fetishization of minors. Now Jason is grappling with his own conscience, whether he can justify listening to these songs that inextricably go against his moral values, despite the same songs creating the foundation of his personality and character years ago. Oof!

“Man, In the Aeroplane Over the Sea was one of the most beautiful songs I’d ever heard. That song was the entryway to my entire music taste,” Jason said. “I knew the song had something to do with Anne Frank, but never thought much about it. But now, whenever I hear the bridge, I cringe. What Jeff Mangum says he wants to do with his gross grubby man hands to a literal child should have him put into prison. Why on Earth would he sing something like that?  

“And Weezer’s ‘Across the Sea’? I guess technically she’s 18, but you still have that really predatory power imbalance, plus the casual racism. And like every Brand New song I can’t listen to anymore.”

“And you’d think songs by girls would be safe, right? Nope! Just found out Aaliyah’s Age Ain’t Nothing but a Number was masterminded by R. Kelly. Jesus Christ, man! What is happening?”

Sorry Jason, can’t win them all!