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Republicans Insist Protest-Spread Covid-19 Is In Fact Worse Than The Flu

In a twist of irony, Republicans are now saying protest-spread COVID-19 is now in fact, worse than the flu. Mass gatherings to protest police brutality and murder have led many experts to worry that the spread of COVID will quicken in the coming weeks, and Republicans have been quick to hop on the bandwagon.

“You have to understand, these rio– I mean, protesters — are just going to spread this horrific virus, we’re in the middle of a pandemic. You can’t have these people running around,” said Karen Gilmartin, a registered Republican, and self-described non-racist. “We need to be sheltering in place, the lives of these protestors is just as important as all of our lives. We can’t afford more deaths.”

When pressed to elaborate on protest-spread COVID-19, Republicans have been quick to point to a rise in deaths around US cities as proof the second wave was coming.

Recent reports on conservative media sites have claimed new symptoms of protest-spread COVID-19 include rubber bullet-induced loss of sight, being arrested, and police brutality-induced death. They have encouraged individuals exhibiting these symptoms to report to their nearest police precinct for a bootlicking vaccine.