Culture Technology

Humans Giving Birth to Bananas? Science Says: ‘Maybe Someday’

“Humans love eating bananas…have you been to a Trader Joe’s lately? 19 cents for a banana! I think there is a big market of study here,” finished Dr. Clifford before reaching for one of the aforementioned yellow beauties sitting on the table next to him. Humans and Bananas have been found to share 60% of their genetic code, leaving only a 40% or so gap to account for and to potentially someday harvest banana DNA, and cultivate it inside of a human. 

The Cavendish banana, which represents 99% of the bananas sold, has gained notoriety over the past few years after appearing on the Netflix original documentary: Holy Shit Where Did All the Bananas Go?. Since the 2016 work of Dr. Barry Musaceae made its debut, the subtle Cavendish has been hit with massive waves of the Tropical Wave 4 fungus, which we have found to either be from Panama or a discarded Capri Sun pouch. Either way, both are dangerous and it’s destroying the fuck out of banana trees. 

“Listen this is a 12 billion dollar industry, you’re damn right we are going to put some research dough into this,” continued Dr. Clifford on his work to birth bananas. The idea stemmed from the similar DNA and gestation periods that humans bananas share, leading scientists down the path of a potential match. 

Why wouldn’t we want to do this?” finished Dr. Clifford once again pointing out the $12 billion dollar a year industry. Yet the research has been met with a fair amount of pushback regarding the applicable nature of the work. With a world population of 7.6 billion, and numerous other health and public safety epidemics, many of the leading medical research institutes and universities have been very outspoken against Clifford’s work. 

“12 billion dollar industry! Tell them to shove it up their ass!” roared Dr. Clifford when asked about the blowback to the potential banana births. “Listen, we only need to manipulate less than half of the bananas’ DNA right? It’s that simple. Then bring on the cash.” Profit would be the obvious result behind helping produce a fruit that each American eats on average 100 per year. The demand along with the impending doom of fungus has given a sense of credibility to a “Banana Birth” system to produce organic fruit to an American dietary structure which could use all the help it could get, in providing more fresh foods to so many. 

While the first tests are still months away with many FDA regulations to surpass, a whopping 67% of the American public has been polled as saying “Absolutely.” when asked if they could picture a banana coming out of a female vagina, giving an extra push to the motivation behind the studies.