The frequent household fugitive known to the common man as a “dust bunny,” combinations of hair, lint and other disgusting compounds have brought hellfire to living quarters for years. While the phenomenon has been explained in the past by static electricity binding these pieces of ungodly filth together, one scientist has made the profound discovery that the perplexing theory of Dark Matter along with discovery of “ghost particle” neutrinos is the cause of the tiny household collections as well as their mysterious movements.
Known to comprise potentially 80% of the universes’ collection of matter, Dark Matter cannot be seen in the traditional sense we can see Baryonic Matter, matter made up of protons, neutrons and electrons. This past week, Professor Matthew Woothwood of CERN emerged from the depths of his living room couch cushions after a two week research stint. A man of 63 with long white hair, tired eyes, but a high spirit, Woothwood announced that he wished to slumber the rest of the night, before making his anticipated announcements the next morning.
An astrophysicist for the past 20 years, Woothwood’s work had been mostly on studying the red shifts in the electromagnetic spectrum of galaxies moving away from the Milky Way. With CERN for the past 6 years, Woothwood has developed a reputation as a great physicist with a strong mind. Woothwood joined the CERN Zoom call to announce that his discoveries would be in the field of Dark Matter and subatomic particles, before flipping on his first PowerPoint slide which presented the common dust bunny.
“Dark Matter creates these fucking things!” started the sharp-witted Woothwood as he began to get more and more emotionally invested in every word he spoke on the subject. “I took a break from my other work, just for a few days, and all of a sudden these fucking things start growing and moving around my living room!” was followed with pounding fists and harsh language on how the great science man was soon surrounded by “living dust.” He went on to describe how it must be Dark Matter and incoming neutrinos which force all the filthy things in a very clean workspace together.
“And the dark matter comes rushing to the Earth like this: Whooooooooooosh! And then the neutrinos come down like “crashhhhhhhhh ahhhhhhh.” screamed Woothwood as he flew around his office like a goddamn madman. Chaos ensued as the scientist ripped off his jacket in a tizzy and described the immense terror of living in a world of Dark Matter controlling the forces of gravity and electromagnetism, dominating everything from the tides to the dead skin cells under his bed. “All the elements of nature are like Whooooooooosh.”
“How else do these little…fucking…shitballs keep showing up in my house!” finished Woothwood to applause from the other sleep-deprived and manic physicists. While the science behind the study is questionable at best, the field will certainly acknowledge frustration that inspired the team
Woothwood was last seen exiting the frame of the zoom call, the last words heard from the participants were: “Science holds the answers to the future of our species, and I would like this species to be clean!”