Lifestyle Wellness

Both My Parents Have Coronavirus, So I Hope They’re Ready for 24/7 Totino’s

Image taken from Jason Lam on Flickr

I TOLD my parents that it was a bad idea to go to the anti-lockdown protest. No matter how many times I told them to stay home, they just wouldn’t listen! Now look what happened. They’re both bed-ridden with Rona and now I have to take care of them! Fuck me, right!? This is gonna be so hard! 

How am I gonna feed them? I don’t know how to cook anything! I’m not even allowed near the kitchen. My mother does all the cooking in the house, even though I told her that reinforced the patriarchy. She never bothered to teach me anything! The only thing I DO know how to make is Totino’s Pizza Rolls, because I do it when I’m high. So I hope they’re ready to eat that for breakfast, lunch and dinner.

For everyone else out there stuck caring for your sick parents, here’s some easy to follow directions for making Totino’s:

  1. Take the box out of the freezer and put 12 rolls on a plate. 
  2. Stick the plate in a microwave. For every 6 rolls, you should add 1 minute. For 12 rolls, put in 2 minutes. 
  3. When it’s done microwaving, immediately take the plate upstairs to your parents’ room. Do not let them cool, because cold Totino’s are for losers. Don’t forget to wear a mask before you enter!