LGBTQ+ Politics Well, Actually

I Want Amy Klobuchar to Choke Me

I want Amy Klobuchar to choke me, and maybe punch me in the face, and that’s why she should be president. At this precarious moment in our nation’s history, we are faced with a monumental decision: are we going to elect an extremist, or are we going to choose moderation in the streets and heavy kink in the sheets?

Amy has power; she has the energy of a lioness who is defending her cubs. That’s what I want in a Dom, and that’s what we need leading our nation. She can do it all. Amy wouldn’t think twice about leaving you in a cage for a day in a latex suit in the middle of summer, but she’ll also make blueberry muffins when your friends come over. That’s more range than any other candidate. 

Critics of Amy say she’s too moderate. Will she be too moderate when she’s stomping on our throats with her heels? Will she be too moderate when she spits in our mouths and makes us call her daddy? Will she be too moderate when she whips our nation’s adversaries into submission while crafting economically responsible trade agreements? You bet your sore ass! 

When I first saw Amy on the stage of the debates, I didn’t think she had it in her to tie me up, blindfold me, and electrocute my nipples. Then I heard about the salad incident on the plane, and the fact that the show Veep is loosely based on her life. Wow! What other candidate would force her subordinate to wash the comb that she just used to eat her salad? That’s the candidate I want to be President.

Finding someone who can be everything to all people is impossible, but with Amy, she’s willing to ball-gag us and try.