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Radical! Bernie Sanders Touts IKEA-based Infrastructure Plan

After winning the New Hampshire primary, Bernie Sanders (I-VT) announced a new plan Saturday morning, which he has named The Infrastructure Revolution. 

On the heels of Medicare for All and Higher Education Debt Cancellation, Sanders’ supporters have been hot with anticipation waiting for a plan that would address the nation’s crumbling infrastructure. Yet this new plan does not follow in the same footsteps as his other reformative ideas. 

“Listen to this, and I will make this entirely clear, our nations’ roads, bridges, our water systems, our public transportation, all these areas of public life are on the brink of collapse,” began Sanders in front of a crowd of thousands. “Now how do we fix this, you may ask? We are already going to tax the giant corporations, paying zero in taxes to fund Medicare for All. We are going to impose a tax on stock and bond trading to pay for Free Public College and cancel student loan debt… but for infrastructure, I’m going to need help from all of you here today and from All Americans,” continued Sanders to the riled-up crowd before making his most robust push to a socialist agenda yet. 

“Have you heard of the superstore Ikea? I’ve just learned of it. Thousands everyday buy their furniture from Ikea … and what is left over at the end, you may ask. I am talking about millions of screws, hundreds of thousands of washers, nuts, and bolts. I am calling on every American; rich and poor to go into the depths of their households to collect this leftover hardware so we can begin to truly rebuild.” 

The main proposal in The Infrastructure Revolution is what Sanders calls “The Public Surplus,” which calls on all Americans to get on their hands and knees and search their closets, drawers and cabinets for all the spare hardware they can find and donate everything to the government. 

“We are starting a working-class movement here. The people of America know how many extra screws and Allen wrenches they have lying around, ready to work. Do you think the millionaires and billionaires are buying this cheap-ass furniture?” shouted the Senator as his followers cheered. One supporter said, “I know that I have a box under my $80 Askvoll bed frame that has tons of hardware pieces that I can donate to the cause.”

“What we are going to do is put people to work sorting and testing this hardware, good-paying jobs at $15 an hour… and we are going to use it to build affordable housing, we are going to use it to reinforce crumbling bridges and we are going to use it to fix up our airports. Have you seen some of the furniture in these airports?” 

Sanders’ campaign website cites an estimated $8 billion dollars of hardware is currently unused in individual households across the country. That can be used on a variety of projects and claims that this is really not that radical. 

“Our opponents will think this is radical? No. Listen to this. We are going to have a revolution and you people don’t really need those screws anyway.” finished Sanders to a crowd of Millenials who knew they were going to move again in the next 6 months and had to start throwing things away. 

Once there are no more leftover screws and Allen wrenches to collect, Sanders’ plan then calls for the mass deconstruction of old buildings, starting in major cities, which have been abandoned or are no longer to code, and stripping them of all sound building materials. The materials will be used on future projects, with an emphasis on affordable housing and more public school buildings. Sanders finished his first public statements on The Public Surplus by calling on his supporters to also give him all unused plastic in their upcoming donations because he will soon be campaigning in California where he can get 5 cents for every bottle under 24 ounces. 

“This will not be a campaign built and financed by the billionaires and PAC money, but by the hardware under your beds and soon the used kombucha bottles we have in our fridges.”