How To Lifestyle

HornRimmer How To: A Post-Scandal Job Guide for Disgraced Men

You’ve been ousted from your job because you’ve “been accused” of “sexual harassment” at work. Who knew that commenting on the new intern’s cleavage was inappropriate?? Your career as a Hollywood Actor/US Senator is over and the Twitterverse won’t let you forget it. No one in your industry will hire you again. But… but…but… You’ve still got bills to pay, your ex-wife’s kids to put through college, and inner-city neighborhoods to gentrify! How will you still work and contribute to society? Here at the HornRimmer, we have you covered all things career.

Here are five suggestions for new career paths you can pursue:

  1. Software Developer

Tech is booming, and so is the need for talent that boomers describe as “can speak English clearly” and “preferably doesn’t come from India.” Don’t know anything about computers? Take a coding class online. Lucky for you, women still face hiring discrimination at male-dominated tech companies, so you won’t have any female coworkers to sexually harass. It’s all about STEM, baby! 

2. Fossil Fuel Laborer

You might be working offshore on an oil rig in the Gulf of Mexico, or maybe you’ll be in the barrens of North Dakota fracking for gas. There won’t be anyone sexually harassable within 200 miles of you, so you’ll have to settle for beatin’ your barrel like the other roughnecks at your work site. You’re done ravaging the indoor environment, so get out and ravage the great outdoors!

3. Etsy Seller

This online marketplace is home to the lucrative business of obscure art. No creative talent required because everything is art now. You could throw bottle caps in a bag, and someone would still buy it. Fun fact, this web store is anonymous, so no one has to know it’s YOU selling trash! 

4. Youtube Beauty Vlogger

Teen girls everywhere will appreciate your sizzling summer makeup tutorials and everyday glam lipstick reviews. You’ll spend most days alone in your bedroom filming and editing videos, so you’ll have no time to harass teen girls in person. Win-win. 

5. President

Just because you’ve had a questionable past doesn’t mean you should be disqualified from sitting in America’s highest office. Times have changed, and even presidents now still model dubious behavior. So go for it! Voters will let it slide. 😉