News

Katie Marries Ethan! 6 Dead, 23 Hospitalized

By Jess Noe // @therealjessnoe

The scene of the disaster didn’t have bodies scattered on the floor, but rather flower petals and rice. The happiest day of Katie and Ethan’s lives, their wedding day, would also be a superspreader event that left many of their blissfully COVID-ignorant loved ones dead.

According to eyewitness accounts, Ethan, 26, had appeared nervous before the St. Agatha Church ceremony, either in anticipation of a lifelong commitment or of the imminent carnage. He eased up, however, when he saw his beautiful bride Katie, 25, glide down the aisle: long white gown, flowing veil, and no mask in sight.

“I must praise you both for your commitment to Christ, as you have bravely prioritized marrying inside of a church over an outdoor ceremony at a beach or park,” said the priest Peter Acer, unaware that he himself would be meeting God very shortly.

The couple exchanged heartfelt vows promising to protect each other, although they truly had only their own immune systems to thank for protection from the deadly virus they were unknowingly hosting. Much like their love, they would soon be sharing it with their closest family and friends.

Since COVID-19 precautions forced the couple’s desired reception hall to shut down, they compromised with a “small, intimate dinner” of roughly 300 attendees in the family’s backyard. As the alcohol flowed, inhibitions dropped, and soon the patio was packed with aunts, uncles and cousins screaming “Sweet Caroline” into each other’s mouths.

“It was a lovely ceremony!” said father of the bride Joe Mazza, 60, from his hospital bed.