FBI Issues Heartfelt Apology for Spying on You Through Your Webcam: “We’re Watching, We’re Listening, and Most Importantly, We’re Learning”

The Federal Bureau of Investigation today confirmed that the kid in your film class who had duck tape over his webcam was right: the government is indeed spying on us through our webcams.

But fret not: the FBI assured us that the information they gather on U.S. citizens is a positive sign that they’re actively listening to our problems, even if it’s through a phone wire.

“We just want to take all the information you unknowingly provide us and internalize this criticism to become a better company,” said an anonymous representative in a message laden with heart emojis and peace signs. “You’ve said you want the FBI to do better, and we hear you, literally.”

They also assure that this will not be an empty promise. “The FBI always follows through, whether it’s with assassinations or meaningful community growth.”