How To Save Your Relationship Even Though You Aren’t A 400 Pound Silverback Gorilla

Fellas, we’ve all been there. You wanna take your girl on a nice, wholesome, totally-gonna-get-you-laid-later kind of date. The first thing that you think of? The zoo! Duh. Animals fucking, children crying, the faint smell of cotton candy and ass sweat. It’s like prom night all over again. It’s perfect. But uh-oh! In your horn-haste, you accidentally wandered into the primate section and are now side-by-side with a 400-pound dominant silverback gorilla! There’s no way you can possibly compare. I mean, you’re no Schwarzenegger. There go your chances of a romantic bone tonight, right? WRONG! Here are 5 simple steps to win back your dominance and get a one-way ticket back to Fuck City, population: you.

  1. Pretend like you’ve seen bigger gorillas

Look, you can’t lie to yourself. This is the biggest fucking gorilla you’ve ever seen, and everyone with eyes can see that too. This beast of an animal could rip you in half and use your bones for toothpicks. But that doesn’t mean that you can’t lie to your partner. “Pffft, I’ve seen bigger,” you say, with an unprecedented lack of confidence. Let’s hope your girlfriend didn’t bring her glasses, because she will most certainly see through this.

  1. Flex on ‘em with your superior brain power

Oooh, big gorilla can do big strong gorilla things. When faced together in the wild, we both know who would really come out on top. A human. Specifically, you. Humans are just plain smarter, which makes us superior over every other species ever. Flex on Donkey Kong by breaking out a marker and solving some differential equations on the glass right in his dumb monkey face. He’ll look like a little baby compared to your big brain. It’s just natural selection, bro.

  1. Give your girlfriend something a gorilla never could: Money

Go full-on Mr. Monopoly. What monetary system do apes even have? GRASS? Get real. You’re in America, and that means you win because you have more money. Hand your lady a crisp Benjamin in front of that broke ass gorilla. In fact, just shower the crowd with all your money.

  1. Remind the gorilla that you’re built where it counts

Enormous muscles? Coarse pervasive body hair? Meh, big deal. What do those things even do for an animal anyway? Nothing. Want to know an interesting fact: Gorillas have notoriously tiny dicks for their body mass. And guess what. Humans have huge ones. There’s not a chance this guy can be bigger than you. This cuck is packing a 2” at best. Prove that you have the goods where it counts by casually whipping it out. Let this caged beast know who’s boss by uncaging your beast. 

  1. Beat the SHIT out of him

Alright, so none of these tips worked. Your girlfriend is basically engaged to him at this point the way she’s been eyeing him. You’re at serious risk of getting cucked by an ape. It’s time for Mr. Nice Guy to step back and let a real man solve this problem. Kick the glass in and start beating the banana loving shit out him. Those giant ass muscles are mostly for show anyway. He’s been wasting away in a box, while you’ve been getting SWOLE. He hasn’t been hittin’ the gym like you have. No one has. You are a golden GOD. This is the exact scenario you’ve been training for. And on the off chance you die, at least you’d have died defending your honor from girlfriend stealing gorillas.