Lifestyle

Get Some Trauma, Bitch!

So you’ve been crying yourself to sleep every night because you’re uninteresting, have no friends, and no one pays attention to you. Gee, I wonder why!

Could it be that everyone in the group chat is talking about their crazy exes and you can’t join in because YOU’VE NEVER HAD A GIRLFRIEND BEFORE? Or maybe you don’t have an Uncle Creepy and your parents are still together. And why were you never bullied in school? Were you able to overcome ANY adversities for your college admissions application? Your well-adjusted ass wouldn’t know the difference between a Sallie Mae and a Bernie Mac!

You don’t have FOMO honey, because you’re already MO. Get with the times you vanilla normie! You don’t want to be a crusty old bore for the rest of your life, do you? Get some trauma bitch! 

Here’s some ideas for earning your trauma stripes:

1.Practice active shooter drills with elementary school kids

Every time a 5-year-old goes viral for hiding in the corner of a darkened classroom, the internet loses its mind and SJWs send angry gun control tweets to Republicans. Connect with your inner child and get traumatized! 

2. Join the Army

I dream of Jeannie. You dream of watching your fellow soldiers die and crying children sitting next to their dead parents after a bombing. Be patriotic. Traumatize yourself, cap’n! 

3. Get Mauled by an Animal

Coming close to a near death experience with Mother Nature’s hands at your throat? I’m even turned on by that! Just jump headfirst into alligator-infested waters or throw rocks at a bear and wait for something to happen.

4. Work at Amazon Fulfillment Center

No bathroom breaks. Screaming foremen. Working at a breakneck pace until your body caves to exhaustion? Sounds Prime!  I’m still waiting for my copy of Harry Potter and the Cursed Child. Tick tock bitch!