This summer, the beaches are packed with maskless idiots, breathing down each others’ necks, surely getting everyone sick.
I’m right there with them, but I’m not infecting anyone with my spit. Why? Because I’m at the beach to bury my head in the sand!
Sounds crazy, right? But contrary to what the haters and naysayers think, burying your head in the sand has soooo many benefits! And anything beats watching the news, ha ha!
For starters: it’s a natural exfoliant! To any dudes reading this: “exfoliating” is when you finally slough off that nasty crusty top hunk of skin you think you can ignore because you have facial hair. Newsflash! You can’t. You CAN go full ostrich and slam that noggin into those beautiful grainy grains, though!
Even though your head’s not visible, staring passersby can still clock your sick bod that you once used to tone at Planet Fitnesses pre-Covid. Remember gyms? I don’t! All I know is sand.
Some people are avoiding the beach right now because the sight of people with masks is a reminder that life isn’t normal anymore, but people without masks are a menace to society. But what if you just don’t look at anyone?
Just imagine the peace of mind that will wash over you when all you can see are sand grains slowly creeping through your eyelids, and all you can hear is the little song you hum to yourself to keep the panic at bay. Is your little song by Carly Rae Jepsen? Mine too!
And if you do suffocate and die, you don’t have to worry about an embarrassing death overshadowing your funeral. Why? No funerals during COVID, baby. Just throw me in the hole. I love it down here!