OK big man. That’s right, you’re a man now. That means no more fooling around on Tinder. You’re focusing on your promising career now. Time to go from chasing ass to making cash. Here are some steps to turn all those right swipes into job offers.
- Build a sexy resume
Everyone knows that the first step to getting anywhere in this world is clout. It’s time to brag to your heart’s content.
- Connect with literally everyone recommended
Remember when your 3rd cousin mass messaged you to donate to his fun run despite only meeting once at Aunt Doreen’s Christmas party you gave him money anyway? Turns out just annoying a thousand people on social media actually works. That’s networking 101.
- Refuse any job offer that comes your way
As a job candidate, you are a straight-up catch! You’re not about to settle for someone who reached out so quickly. You have options. Tell Vector Inc. that you’re not interested in a dying, dead-end job. Really neg them.
You know what you just did? You made a presence for yourself. Who is this mysterious job bachelor turning everyone down? He must be so qualified that he won’t be tied down to just any job. The next Bezos. Headhunters will be on the edge of their office chairs, waiting to see who’s gonna snatch you up.
- Watch as the offers come pouring in
Congratulations, you’re now probably getting offers from Google and NASA. Underqualified? Didn’t even interview? Don’t know what a motherboard is? Can’t be, they’re offering you the job.
- Use your super cool new job to flex on Tinder
Turns out this actually feeds right back into Tinder clout like a runaway greenhouse effect. You’ll be throwing wads of cash to the peasants on the street with your smoking hot wife in no time.