Dating LGBTQ+

All Jews Should Recite Shehecheyanu Before Eating Ass

As a Jew, it’s difficult maintaining your faith in today’s society. But what a Mitzvah[1] it is to head to Shul[2] Saturday morning, knowing that you’ve done all you could to live a pious and kind life! I want to bring up a small, but significant step young Yehudim [3]can do to bring themselves closer to G-d[4], and that is to recite the Shehecheyanu[5]before you make the beautiful commitment to eat your significant other’s ass. 

I remember when I first discussed this with my significant other, Sara. We first met at USY when we were both captains for the same color wars team. Before committing to any major life decisions, I make sure to discuss the moral and theological ramifications with my most trusted advisor; my Rabbi. I stopped by her office after services on Saturday and said, “Rabbi, what does the Torah[6] say about eating ass?”

“Excellent question. When Jacob asked Laban for Rachel’s hand in marriage, what did we learn?”, she replied. 

With what I must assume to be the Rabbi’s blessing, I went back to my significant other, recited the beautiful Shehecheyanu, and with consent proceeded to nosh on her tuchus[7]. But what a shanda[8] it’d have been to have missed out on reciting the Shehecheyanu, a beautiful prayer that let us thank G-d for all the novel and blessed experiences in life. Sara was not too much of a fan, but as my Rabbi always said; sometimes you’re the schlemiel[9] eating ass, and sometimes you’re the schlimazel [10]getting his ass eaten!

[1] A good deed.

[2] Temple.

[3] Jews.

[4] God.

[5] A prayer said to express gratitude to God for new and unusual experiences and possessions.

[6] The Jewish Bible.

[7] Ass.

[8] A shame or disgrace.

[9] A fool or incompetent person.

[10] An unlucky person, usually the recipient of the fool’s failings.