Oh, great…you just got a message from your ex. The same ex you said “let’s stay friends” to when you dumped her. Guess she’s trying to do her part in making the whole friendship thing work. Doesn’t she know by now that you never meant it?
Here’s how to say “let’s stay friends!” with your words, but “I am slowly cutting you out of my life and refuse to treat you with mutual respect” with your actions.
- On the day of the breakup, text her to meet you at a coffee shop
This is textbook “I am about to dump you in public” behavior. You’re essentially breaking up with her over text, but without the exact words. Have you ever texted her to meet you at a coffee shop and said that “it’s important” before? No? Then she has every reason to be suspicious of your intentions, and will know exactly what she’s getting into. Whatever she’s doing that day–already grabbing her own coffee, going to a gynecologist appointment, whatever women do–it’ll surely be interrupted by the jarring knowledge that she’s getting dumped in public later today.
2. Do NOT let her get one last kiss before she goes
When she swoops in for the very last smooch before parting ways romantically forever, turn that head away SHARPLY, young man. Whether or not it’s true, you need to act positively repulsed by the sight of her. You had finally said “I love you” less than a month ago, and this very morning she was thinking fondly of you, and what fun date the two of you might go on next. But that was a half hour ago. Doesn’t she know things are completely different now? Get with the program, bitch! You want a clean break for you, and an absolute mess for her.
3. Spend a few months stringing her along like a child’s deflated balloon
This step is crucial. Stay in your shared group chats together, but respond to any and every message from her with a tepid “lol” or “haha”. Relent to her invite to hang out as friends for the first time post-breakup, but don’t reciprocate with an offer of your own later on. Remember: you only said “let’s stay friends” to soften the blow, not to actually maintain any semblance of friendship. It’s her fault for thinking you meant it!
4. Make her inevitable run-in with you and your new girlfriend as unbearable as possible
Congratulations for making it this far, and welcome to the grand finale. You’ve finally met someone new and wonderful, and want to take her out. Maybe even with friends, to let her know that she belongs in your friend group more than your ex ever did. And you might just so happen to hit up the same concert as your ex; you weren’t listening when she told you this was her favorite band, so how could you possibly have known she would be here? She’ll see you across the room, and, thinking of you as her friend, will approach you with joy in her heart, relieved to be hanging out with you non-romantically again. You turn, feign surprise, and entertain roughly one minute of smalltalk.
Here’s the kicker: do not, do NOT, introduce her to your new girlfriend. Let her slowly realize that there’s a girl she’s never seen before standing right next to you, looking awkward as you both don’t know how to acknowledge her. Your dumb ex will eventually feel too weird to stick around, and leave to chat with your friends that you so cleverly brought along with you. Let her be the one to reach out with a “hey, what the fuck was that?” the next day, and react like she’s crazy for even bringing it up. Communicating openly? With someone you used to be friends with, dated, and then dumped on the day of her gynecologist appointment? What an obsessive psycho she is!
“Let’s stay friends”: those three, magical little words every girl wants to hear before you treat her like a stranger for the rest of your life.