Dating Politics

Wait, Fuck Cops or Fuck the Cops?

By Kamala Harris’ Hubby

Trust me, I know how to fuck cops, I’m married to one! But lately, there’s been a lot of messages that have been directed at me and Kamala, specifically comments that express specific animus towards the law enforcement field. What I don’t get is if it pertains to me or not. Kamala says we’re not allowed to invite these people to virtual happy hour to discuss this, so I’m stuck wondering… Are they expressing their anger about systemic racial justice in communities of color, or are they just trying to watch me and my wife fuck loudly and passionately in public? 

I’ve seen the 2015 documentary Straight Outta Compton, where Paul Giamatti (the guy from John Adams) saves Ice T (the guy from Law & Order SVU) from racism and then they all hate him, so I know about the first time people of ~color~ were mad at police. They even say “Fuck the police” in the film. Even then my dick twitched a little and I wondered “is this black actor telling me I should go home and fuck my wife?” 

Not to make everything about me, I mean I am a white man of privilege, but I really think these folks are not talking about the extrajudicial killings of black and brown people and are instead waiting to watch me take my wife in the biblical sense, clap her cheeks so to speak. These people are insistent about it, they say it every time Kamala and I post online about the campaign! If they said it to any other candidate in this election I’d think it was a racial thing, but because they say it only to Kamala, I know it’s a sex thing. 

So this is me, Douglas Emhoff, asking you all for your support in helping me fuck the police!